Beam me up Spotty!
Bombast and Flitterflop boldly go where no guide has gone before
If you have never heard of 'Breatharianism', 'DNA activation', 'Ascension', or suspected that Diet Coke is actually 'liquid light', you are more fortunate than Bombast and Flitterflop, who we encounter wading through a sticky mess of New Age fantasies in their latest polemic, brought to us, as ever, via the mysterious waves of the astral telegraph.
PART THREE of Astral Conversations—an unusual series of investigations into the occult with a humorous twist.
BOMBAST: "You're looking a bit peaky. Are you overdoing the crystal infused elixir water or have you flipped back to Breatharianism again?"
FLITTERFLOP: "Neither. I've been trying to activate my fifth dimensional DNA in time for the ascension in June 2017."
BOMBAST: "Any luck?"
FLITTERFLOP: "Not really, no. Since I started the DNA activation exercises I've had heart palpitations, sweating, aching bones and joints, dizziness, ringing in my ears, and this morning a spotty red rash appeared on my face and neck."
BOMBAST: "Yes . . . it looks nasty. Have you seen the quack about it?"
FLITTERFLOP: "No. The worst thing is I don't feel like doing anything at all . . ."
BOMBAST: "Not much has changed then?"
FLITTERFLOP (peevishly): "You might at least pretend to be sympathetic."
BOMBAST: "It isn't easy when you keep twitching like that."
FLITTERFLOP: "I'd forgotten about the muscle spasms. I think they started after I gave up Breatharianism . . . or maybe before trying out the ancient Egyptian aura cleansing mantra . . ."
BOMBAST: "Think? Don't you remember?"
FLITTERFLOP: "Well, I'm not sure, my memory isn't what it was. Until last week I was drinking four litres of Diet Coke a day and eating a Double Quarter-Pounder with Cheese meal for breakfast, lunch and dinner at McDonalds."
BOMBAST: "And this is supposed to activate your fifth dimensional DNA, is it?"
FLITTERFLOP: "No, no—this is the recommended Breatharian regime."
BOMBAST: "I thought Breatharianism meant living without food or drink?"
FLITTERFLOP: "It does, but you have to prepare yourself first."
BOMBAST (rolling his eyes): "I should have guessed. So what does all this junk food do apart from making you ill?"
FLITTERFLOP: "Well . . . you see . . . cows are really fifth dimensional beings that help us ascend to the fifth dimension by converting three dimensional food into a five dimensional food. You probably don't know that a Double Quarter-Pounder with Cheese meal from McDonald's has an etheric base frequency and Diet Coke is really liquid light."
BOMBAST: "No, I didn't, but I'm not surprised. One thing puzzles me."
FLITTERFLOP: "What's that?"
BOMBAST: "Why were you stuffing your face at McDonalds rather than eating at home like a normal couch potato?"
FLITTERFLOP (conspiratorially): "McDonalds are built on sites protected by fifth-dimensional energies and are portals to a higher dimension. So there's no better place to practise the Breatharian meditations."
BOMBAST (sarcastically): "You don't say. That would explain why the overweight, dermatologically-challenged chavs who frequent them look so spaced-out. I know I'm going to regret asking this, but I simply have to know what these meditations consist of."
FLITTERFLOP: "Chanting five magical fifth dimensional words."
BOMBAST (stifling a yawn): "Which are?"
FLITTERFLOP (solemnly): "Jotniranjan, Omkar, Rarankar, Sohang and Satnam."
BOMBAST: "Is that it? Drink Diet Coke, stuff your face with Big Macs and chant five words misappropriated from Indian languages, and you'll be beamed straight up to Breatharian Nirvana?"
BOMBAST: "I'm afraid so, my spotty simpleton."
FLITTERFLOP: "Not fifth dimensional?"
BOMBAST: "Not remotely. 'Jyoti niranjan' not 'Jotniranjan' means 'spotless light' in several Indian languages. It's employed as a common synonym for the god Shiva in Hinduism and is a popular phrase in many Indian religious mantras. Significantly, it is also bawled by wandering Indian monks begging a free lunch. But in your case it has probably backfired and given you that spotty rash!"
FLITTERFLOP (alarmed): "Do you really think so?"
BOMBAST: "I was joking."
FLITTERFLOP (much relieved): "Oh . . . and the other words?"
BOMBAST: 'Omkar' is a Sanskrit term for the written symbol 'Om'. It isn't even a proper word, never mind a 'fifth dimensional' one. 'Raranka' is the sound supposedly heard during certain so-called 'chakra' meditations, or in your case, a complete dunderhead being taken for a ride. It could also be a corruption of 'Karankaar', which is used in some Indian religious sects to refer to creation and the creator. 'Sohang' is a corruption of 'Ong So hung' which is found in the Vedas. 'Ong' means creative consciousness and 'So hung' means 'I am that', so together they mean 'I am my creative consciousness.' 'Sat nam' simply means 'true name' which is where we get our word 'name' from. 'Satnam' is used by Sikhs in combination with 'Ek onkar' in the mantra 'Ek onkar Sat nam', which loosely translates into English as 'There is one God whose name is Truth."
FLITTERFLOP: "So it's not all nonsense then?"
BOMBAST: "The words aren't, but the uses to which they have been put by these lunatic Breatharians is complete poppycock. Think about it. Why meditate on words in a language you don't know whose meaning is about as clear as your foggy brain?"
FLITTERFLOP (floundering): "Well, er...maybe it's the sound of the words that is magical?"
BOMBAST: "Even if that was true, how do you know you're pronouncing them correctly? Do you speak Hindi or read Sanskrit? Have you even read any Indian sacred literature?"
FLITTERFLOP: "Er . . . no."
BOMBAST: "If you had, you'd know that in just one temple in India there are more than three thousand books on the etymology of the word 'Om' alone. Yet turnip-heads like you think they can gain instant enlightenment by mumbling a few words of Sanskrit picked up on the Internet. If that's what Breatharianism does for you it's no wonder you look like something the cat dragged in. But as you flitter and flop from one mad fad to another the cause of your fascinating symptoms could be anything—even mange!"
BOMBAST: "Well, your cat's fur wouldn't win any prizes, would it? And it's always scratching itself. But that wouldn't explain your other symptoms, especially the dizziness and palpitations. Whatever made you take up Breatharianism in the first place?"
FLITTERFLOP: "Well . . . Indian yogis have been practising it for thousands of years."
BOMBAST: "No they haven't. Some yogis practise Pranayama, which is controlled breathing, or they may fast for certain periods, but neither practise requires them to give up eating and drinking entirely. The human body is 75 per cent water. Blood is 92 per cent water, bone 22 per cent water and muscles are 75 per cent water. Which is why we can survive for a month or so without eating, but cannot last a week without drinking."
FLITTERFLOP: "Yes . . . but there's plenty of water in air, isn't there?"
BOMBAST: "How gullible are you? There's no shortage of air over the Sahara but that hasn't stopped thousands of travellers dying of thirst in the desert, has it? Whatever made you think you were an exception to the rule that humans die without water?"
FLITTERFLOP: "Well . . . there was an Australian lady——"
BOMBAST (laughing derisively): "——You mean the mad woman who agreed to a televised experiment in 1999 to live without food or water? Indian yogis can do that standing on their heads, but until the New Age numpties learned about it, no serious occultist took a blind bit of notice of such magical parlour tricks. But your Aussie bint couldn't even go a week without food and water. During the second day she exhibited symptoms of acute dehydration, stress and high blood pressure. She later claimed that the air in the hotel was 'polluted.' By the third day she'd lost over 14 pounds! On the fourth day the producers stopped the experiment after doctors advised her she was risking kidney failure and death. She didn't die, and lives on to spread the mad fantasy of Breatharianism. Which is more than can be said for her followers, three of whom died, because, according to her, they were 'not coming from a place of integrity and did not have the right motivation."
FLITTERFLOP: "I didn't know that. I've only read about the benefits."
BOMBAST: "What possible benefits can there be from depriving your body of food and water?"
FLITTERFLOP: "To empower my ascension into my fifth dimensional light body."
BOMBAST: "I meant practical benefits."
FLITTERFLOP: "You're not taking this seriously."
BOMBAST: "You really have experienced a genuine ascension to the pinnacle of fifth dimensional stupidity, haven't you?"
FLITTERFLOP: "Well, I—er . . ."
BOMBAST: "Don't answer, it was a rhetorical question. I'm tempted to say that you simply can't make this stuff up, but clearly you can, and the madder it is the more it is believed and copied. It almost makes me want to start my own hopelessly implausible cult—perhaps I'll call it 'idionetics—the science of imbecility."
FLITTERFLOP: "Weren't you going to do just that with your four ascended masters who say, do, hear and think nothing?"
BOMBAST: "I changed my mind. My idea wasn't nearly mad enough to compete with the poppycock we've been discussing. Anyway, L Ron Hubbard got there first with scientology."
FLITTERFLOP: "That's true."
BOMBAST: "So can I take it that you're finally giving up Breatharianism and all this other New Age nonsense?"
FLITTERFLOP (evasively): "Well . . . er . . . don't you agree that everyone on Earth is deciding now, on . . . um . . . some level, whether to ascend to the fifth dimension or continue their learning in this third dimension?"
BOMBAST: "I wish you New Age numpties would make up your minds just how many 'dimensions' there are because I'm rapidly losing count of them all!"
FLITTERFLOP: "Well, third dimensional learning involves experiencing many different situations like feeling overwhelmed with stress, challenges, pain, suffering and feeling lost, to teach us greater wisdom and love."
BOMBAST: "Why not simply say that earthly life is a school in which we learn the lessons that qualify us for a higher existence?"
FLITTERFLOP: "Well, I guess you could."
BOMBAST: "I wish you would. It's what every philosopher worthy of the name has taught for thousands of years. If you're saying that mankind has a choice whether to turn to the dark or the light, then I agree with you. If you're also saying that there are other realms or planes of consciousness apart from this one, then I agree too. These are elementary facts known to every occultist. Why dress up simple truths in pseudo-scientific clothes and then decorate them with incomprehensible psychobabble?"
FLITTERFLOP: "Well, when you put it like that . . ."
BOMBAST: "I do. It seems to me that all this 'Ascension' and 'DNA activation' nonsense can be boiled down to just one sentence."
FLITTERFLOP: "Not 'poppycock'? You seem to like that word."
BOMBAST: "Not in this instance, no."
BOMBAST (smiling): "No, but I may well use it later."
FLITTERFLOP: "I give up."
BOMBAST: "Man is a god in the making."
FLITTERFLOP (sarcastically): "Meaning you?"
BOMBAST: "Meaning us—all mankind."
FLITTERFLOP: "Oh—I like that."
BOMBAST: "I thought you might."
BOMBAST: "I'm afraid not. It's from The Quest of Ruru by J Michaud. Another book I leant to you that you haven't read . . . So, tell me, what exactly do you understand by 'ascension'?"
FLITTERFLOP: "The process of moving to a higher frequency dimension. Everyone and everything ascends to the fifth dimension when their energy vibration reaches a specific frequency of Light."
BOMBAST (provocatively): "And what exactly is this 'fifth dimension?"
FLITTERFLOP: (warily): "Er . . . the home of the Ascended Masters."
BOMBAST: "This poppycock wouldn't have been channeled by some New Age numpty purporting to be in personal contact with the 'Archangel Raphael', or possibly the 'Master Hilarious', would it?"
FLITTERFLOP (astonished): "How did you know that?!"
BOMBAST: "Well, it's not hard to guess. All this balderdash—there, I told you the word would come in handy—can easily be traced back to the mystical mumbo-jumbo taught by the miscellaneous collection of psychics, would-be psychics and mystery-mongers that emerged from the Theosophical Society and its offshoots during the 20th century. C. W. Leadbeater and Annie Besant started the crystal ball rolling with their ramp about the coming 'World Teacher', who incidentally turned out to be an illiterate 13-year-old Indian boy who repudiated all their mad fantasies in adult life. Come to think of it, that's a telling metaphor for the whole New Age bandwagon. Besant and Leadbeater were followed by Mark and Elizabeth Clare Prophet, who also claimed a direct hotline to the cosmic hierarchy, but whether their preceptors were shape-shifting lizards, archangels, or just your average extra-terrestrial dedicated to abducting common sense, I couldn't say. After that, the lunatics really did take over the asylum, claiming to represent a colourful assortment of 'Ascended Masters', 'ETs', 'Angels', 'Space Councils' and probably a fifth dimensional Women's Institute too."
FLITTERFLOP (defensively): "So according to you this is all complete nonsense?"
BOMBAST: "That's not what I said. Some of these teachings are based on real occult facts, but those few facts have been so misunderstood and distorted by New Age mystery-mongers that they are considerably more dangerous than outright lies. In such books as The Quest of Ruru which I mentioned earlier, the dimensions your New Age numpties prattle about so glibly are described correctly, but this is too simple for the average fantasist to take in. There you can read that: 'the lowest rung of the Seven Spiritual Spheres is the Earth, which to some is Hell, true enough, peopled with a host of evil beings who want to destroy them; but this is not the full truth. There are six Spheres of Darkness and Sin below the Earth, as well as Six Spheres of Light and Goodness above it. The Earth, therefore, occupies a central position, partaking of the spheres above and below to a certain extent.' The believers in this 'Ascension' nonsense have completely mangled these truths, just as they have mangled the truths about man and the cosmos taught by Blavatsky in her Secret Doctrine."
FLITTERFLOP: "Does this apply to DNA activation, too?"
BOMBAST: "It applies to all the New Age fantasies we have been discussing. Each has been taken from one or more largely correct occult law, principle or fact, such as we find stated in the books I've mentioned and in the true teachings of the great occultists and philosophers. But the average mystic no more understands such elevated teachings than an ant understands algebra. So each takes what he thinks he understands and attempts to explain it from his own ignorant point of view. His speculations are taken up by others, even less knowledgeable than himself, who erect vast edifices of falsehoods upon them. You only have to read the garbage spouted by such poltroons to see what nonsense it all is."
FLITTERFLOP: "So there is no such thing as Ascension either?"
BOMBAST: "Not in the sense these New Age numpties mean. There is evolution for all created things, but that is not the same thing as some select portion of humanity being magically beamed up to the fifth, tenth, or any other dimension, by virtue of practising the pseudo-scientific silliness which is DNA Activation. Look what it's done for you!"
FLITTERFLOP: True. I've never felt so ill."
BOMBAST: "What better proof do you need that it's all complete poppycock, and dangerous poppycock at that?
FLITTERFLOP: "I must admit that I've been very stupid."
BOMBAST (kindly): "Not as stupid as some. Not so long ago an intelligent and very successful businesswoman I know quite well complained she was suffering from stress and told me she was intending to take an expensive Breatharianism course——"
FLITTERFLOP (interrupting): "——How expensive?"
BOMBAST: "$20,000 for 21 days at an American 'ashram."
BOMBAST: "When I asked her why she wanted to do something so incredibly stupid, she said her main reason was to save the time she was wasting every day on preparing her vegan meals! I assumed she was joking and said so. But she assured me she was deadly serious."
FLITTERFLOP: "Did you manage to change her mind?"
BOMBAST: "Eventually, yes. But it was uphill work. Much as it's been with you!"
FLITTERFLOP (sheepishly): "Well . . . I guess my symptoms might have something to do with trying to activate too many DNA strands at once . . ."
BOMBAST (impishly): "Don't you think it's more likely that your twelve crown chakra crystals weren't working properly? Or you forgot to activate your MerKaBa antenna in order to receive messages from the Archangel Raphael in the fifth dimension? Without such preparations all your efforts were doomed to failure. Which is why you're stuck with only two active strands of DNA and a spotty red rash!"
FLITTERFLOP: "You're poking fun at me. How ever did I get it so wrong?"
BOMBAST: "By allowing yourself to be beamed up into New Age la-la land, my spotty young friend! Becoming a fully-empowered spiritual Mogul and fifth dimensional omniscient Alpha like me takes more than a few litres of Diet Coke and a rag-bag of New Age fantasies, you know."
FLITTERFLOP: "Now you are teasing me."
BOMBAST: "Not at all, I'm mocking us both. Most of all I'm mocking the nonsense we've been discussing."
FLITTERFLOP: "Why don't more people challenge it?"
BOMBAST: "Well, some scientists do, but that cuts no ice with the New Age numpties, who regard scientists as the spawn of the devil, if not actual extra-terrestrial shape-shifting lizards. Plus, of course, it's all so very glamorous and exciting. Not to mention profitable, if not in cash then in kudos. Who can resist their five minutes of fame?"
FLITTERFLOP: "Well, I will try to change their minds."
BOMBAST: "The lizards?"
FLITTERFLOP (laughing): "No, New Age numpties like me."
BOMBAST: "Then prepare to have all the evidence we've discussed ignored while being bombarded with further so-called 'facts', 'channelings', 'abductions' and extraterrestrial 'revelations."
FLITTERFLOP: "What if I explain all their phenomena in the light of occult scientific teachings, so proving them wrong?"
BOMBAST: "They will immediately slap you down with a fresh set of channelled facts!"
FLITTERFLOP: "Truth stands higher in my opinion than any earthly consideration ever will, and although I shall be genuinely sorry if I hurt the feelings of all those who cling to these beliefs, the truth is more important than any attacks anyone may make on me."
BOMBAST: "Good for you! It's high time this sensation-mongering mob of New Age nincompoops, who flood the world with an endless stream of half-baked speculations and unwholesome fantasies, were exposed for the dangerous lunatics they are."
FLITTERFLOP: "How to begin?"
BOMBAST: "You could start with . . . Flitterflop? FLITTERFLOP?! Where are you? Bugger, that mangy cat of his must have jumped on his bed and woken him up! Just when he was beginning to talk sense for once!"
The astral forms of our two protagonists receded into a swirling, purple haze. With them vanished their brave but possibly foolhardy plans to dispel the miasmic mists of Ascensionism, Breatharianism, and the similar vapid pipe-dreams of the mystery-mongers who prey upon the gullibility of the spiritually inept. Having so recently been just as inept and gullible, we hope that our two colourful seekers may encourage others to break free of the sticky web of New Age fantasy.
You can find a complete list and brief descriptions of all the conversation between these two colourful occult students on the introductory page to these Astral conversations. Although these conversations can be read on their own, they are best read in chronological sequence.
© Copyright occult-mysteries.org. Article added 8 February 2016. Updated 12 October 2016.